I remember that it hurt. Looking at her hurt.
I didn’t sleep last night. I walked up and down the street, sat there, gazed at the night. The night was simple enough. The moon was almost full though. And the sky, with all the burning stars lying around here and there and everywhere, was looking down at the earth. Or maybe it was the other way round, who knows. I’ve always loved it, the sky, the stars twinkling all over it. Maybe the vague memories I can recall from my childhood has something to do with it. Me lying on the floor of our balcony, staring at the night sky, the stars, sound of crickets chirping. Maybe I was four years old, maybe five or six or who-knows-what, I’m never good at guessing age. I often think about lying down on a roof of some tall building and enjoy the view of night sky, of course with a lot of stars. Maybe someday I will get the chance and a suitable circumstance with it, maybe. Anyway, by the time I got back to my room, there wasn’t enough time to both sleep and complete my lab reports. If I slept I was never going to be able to wake up in time. So, instead I watched a movie and then started with the lab reports. University life is pissing me off.
Staying awake the whole night frequently has its own upsides-downsides. At first there’s an extreme desire to fall asleep, which fades away with time if you manage to stay awake. Then there’s this stomach ache, feels like something is crawling inside you. Then suddenly all of those go away and you feel kind of drunk. You can’t think straight and say strange things. You feel totally funny. In my case, I feel two and a half times (told you) more hungry. However, some things never completely fade. The extreme desire to fall asleep eventually comes back. I’ve never stayed awake two nights in a row. So, I don’t know what happens next. If anybody has done it, I’d very much like to know. Anybody there?
Sleeping aside; Everything we do, we do because we are told to do so. Let’s dive into uncharted waters. I said uncharted waters because I don’t think the things I’m about to write has crossed the minds of the majority of us before. But, you know, I can always be wrong. Do we ever think why are we doing what we are doing? I’m gonna try to write about a very specific thing. And just to be clear, I mean no offense here. I’m just saying, no need to take anything seriously. A few days ago, I was asking a friend of mine, “Why on earth people ask question like – what have you eaten?” If you are in a relationship, you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or something-like-that you’ll know which of the people I’m talking about; you. I mean, does someone really cares about the food items? Well, if it involves any special items, it might make sense to talk about it. But –
“Baby, what have you eaten?”
“Rice, lentil, mashed potatoes, chicken, fish, spinach (and what-not).”
– makes no sense at all. Why do people ask it then? Isn’t it obvious? They’ve listened someone saying those words and it stuck in their mind as something to ask. Everything we watch, listen or read affects us, shapes us. Our media plays a major role here. The television dramas we watch and the movies; The books we read; All of these are continuously giving us suggestions, shaping the way we think. This has to be like that, that is the way to do it, do it, don’t do, blah and blah. And then comes online and social media. That’s a whole other topic to write about.
I’m having trouble arranging words. Sleeplessness is kicking in. I thought I could write about how our entire generation is being misguided more clearly. Guess in this state I can’t write about it at all. I’ll try that some other time. But, before I go to sleep I need to get something out of me. Holding too much inside is exhausting. No way the words gonna be carefully arranged or something. I’m just giving it a try.
Well, where do I start? You. A friend once told me that I’m just overwhelmed by your beauty, that’s all. That hurt. Knowing that someone think so low of you, it hurts. I don’t know if you think that of me too. Remember the first time I wanted to meet you? Do you know why I wanted that? Just to say goodbye. Sometimes when I sit idly, I think of the world, the people in it and realize how tiny someone can be, almost non-existent; Just a speck of dust within the galaxy. So, I thought, you would be better off without having someone like me in your life. I still do think that. I sill do feel tiny. How I feel about you, I’ve waited years to see if it changes. It didn’t. I’ve done things, for some of them I even feel guilty, to get you out of my head. Most of the time, it works. As long I keep myself busy doing something, everything stays okay. But then the next moment, there you are all over. That was okay too. Life wasn’t stopping. It keeps going on regardless of someone’s being in it or not. But there comes time when you realize, that’s never the point.
(I don’t know where I’m going with it. For now I think I’ll just keep going.)
Life never seems to stop surprising me. There was no version of it where I’d imagined you saying something like “I think i like you”. But it happened anyway. Probably, you can never completely know what’s going to happen next. I still wonder why you’d do something like that. Guess, like everyone else I’m affected by the various media I was talking about too. I can’t find a single reason for you to like someone so ordinary like me. Anyway, the last time I asked you to meet, it was just because I wanted to, nothing else. And when you said yes, I was like “Really? That easy? Yeah?” And then we met. I imagined it would feel awkward or unreal or something-like-that. But surprisingly enough, I don’t know about you, to me it didn’t feel like that at all. It was nowhere near my imagination. My imagination sucks. The only things I regret are to bore you almost to death and ending up doing something you don’t like. Only if I knew. I wish we already knew each other. So, when I wanted so bad to keep looking at you, I wouldn’t have to wonder if you’d like that and look through the glass wall behind you and stare at who-knows-what instead. I wish I knew what you’d like to talk about and have some time together while I’m not boring you. So basically, I’m out of words to say how sorry I feel. I don’t know what you think about me now. I just want you to know that how I feel about you is not going to change anytime soon.
Life has its own way of revealing itself. Sometimes however hard we try, changing its course is almost impossible. Nobody knows what it has planned for us. Everything has its time. And everything ends. Sometimes something ends but life goes on. Sometimes it ends and so does life. It lasts; Till the very end.
I don’t know which will be worse, if it really is something, when it ends – that it’ll end or that I’ll probably act like its okay. What I know is that no way on this earth I’m going to intrude in your life.
Ah, I don’t know what I’m talking about. If I stay awake any longer, I think my brain cells are gonna start degrading.
Night night, dear earth.
Oct 31, 2015